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January 21st, 2011

Leaping Puma

With all undue respect to middle management

From what I've seen of middle management, I've often thought that a great way of getting $150,000 fast would consist of the following steps:

1. Appear out of nowhere with a resume full of impressive lies. Choate, Harvard, Rhodes Scholarship, Halliburton.

2. Promise prospective employers a radical restructuring of their organisation. Draw from unlikely, vaguely spiritual sources (recast Tim Leary's The Psychedelic Experience in MBAspeak) and don't forget to have catchy inspirational slogans on hand. This isn't just going to solve the firm's hierarchical problems, this is a way of life!

3. Take up some bad habits. Spread rumours about yourself online. Fall asleep at the wheel. And remember, drug tests are for the little people.

4. COLLECT LARGE SALARY (Important: GRAND CAYMAN OFFSHORE ACCOUNT)

5. Quit shortly before someone discovers you're just an eloquent charlatan with a pneumatic resume.

6. EXTRA CREDIT: BOOK DEAL From a safe distance, write a callous expose of the endemic stupidity of the firm that hired you. Check yourself into rehab with great fanfare.

Seems to have brought good results for a lot of the people I've worked "with" (i.e. under).
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