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Leaping Puma

If This Is the First Time We've Met, and You're Trying to Get into My Pants: A Guide

Dear Diary,
Men are stupid.
Apologies to those who aren't. Will you please relay the following to your less-gifted brothers?

If this is the first time we have met, and you want into my pants:
  1. Do not continually ask if "we are cool." Especially do not ask if I am cool. Because I am.1 :D
  2. Do not ask if you can kiss me. If you gotta ask, you can't.
  3. Do not ever, ever tell me about your other conquests. What you consider rollicking tales of masculine prowess just comes off as sleazy to me. Also, I don't give a shit.
  4. Do not describe in excruciating detail what you would like to do with me sexually. (1) What am I, 14? I already know. (2) What are you, 14? If you'd played your cards right, you'd have been putting your money where your mouth is. Or vice versa. I dislike finding out you've written the entire screenplay already, signed me up as the unpaid pornstar, and have already begun filming.
  5. Yes, I know how absolutely luscious and huge my ass is. Why do you ask?
  6. Do not ask me if I like sex. That's like asking if I like food. The answer is, "Depends on whether it's good, who I'm having it with and under what circumstances."
  7. Do not ask me how old I am.
  8. Do not predict the number of years remaining that I'll be able to get sex from the random man on the street. This will not suddenly make me desperate enough to ask you to step in. In fact, it will cause me to tell you to step off.
___________
1 If I weren't, what were you doing talking to me?

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Comments

ew ew ew.

I like for the men that I am sleeping with to make with the dirty talk, but not the first time we meet. ew.
exactly. don't get me wrong, i ain't no prim pair of white gloves and will get as Mac Nasty as anyone else IF I AM SO MOVED. i just happen to like mutual seduction with some style, not a pathetic, manipulative game o' grabass.

it isn't about entitlement. it's not even about "earning" your way in. this is not a transaction. sex is a free expression. helps if it looks like you're not just out for a free ruboff.

he was doing just fine being himself, then he had to turn into an octopus. lame.
LOL Very good advice for the fellas. ;)
GOOD TIMES!!!
and in this case the answer to number 6 would be...with you? NOPE!
1. You fucking crack me up!
2. What the hell is WRONG with people?!

I agree

8 points all containing words of wisdom.
I wanna get into your pants, but the question is would they look good on me? Would I need a Belt? And most of all, why is there a Duc staring at me?

YES!!!

I could not agree more! This should be an informational tract I could reproduce and hand out to potential future something or others, with specifics changed to suit the things that guys tend to specifically say or do to me based on how they tend to respond to me.

Re: YES!!!

like my acting teacher says:
"it's actually pretty simple"

but apparently simple eludes multitudes.

how hard can it be to step back & say, "hm if i were this woman, would i go out with me based on the silly-ass shit i am spewing right now?"

it's hard.

and we all know how hard everything is when everything is hard, yanno?