If This Is the First Time We've Met, and You're Trying to Get into My Pants: A Guide
Men are stupid.
Apologies to those who aren't. Will you please relay the following to your less-gifted brothers?
If this is the first time we have met, and you want into my pants:
- Do not continually ask if "we are cool." Especially do not ask if I am cool. Because I am.1 :D
- Do not ask if you can kiss me. If you gotta ask, you can't.
- Do not ever, ever tell me about your other conquests. What you consider rollicking tales of masculine prowess just comes off as sleazy to me. Also, I don't give a shit.
- Do not describe in excruciating detail what you would like to do with me sexually. (1) What am I, 14? I already know. (2) What are you, 14? If you'd played your cards right, you'd have been putting your money where your mouth is. Or vice versa. I dislike finding out you've written the entire screenplay already, signed me up as the unpaid pornstar, and have already begun filming.
- Yes, I know how absolutely luscious and huge my ass is. Why do you ask?
- Do not ask me if I like sex. That's like asking if I like food. The answer is, "Depends on whether it's good, who I'm having it with and under what circumstances."
- Do not ask me how old I am.
- Do not predict the number of years remaining that I'll be able to get sex from the random man on the street. This will not suddenly make me desperate enough to ask you to step in. In fact, it will cause me to tell you to step off.
1 If I weren't, what were you doing talking to me?